DAY 39

Fade into you (borrowed from Mazzy Star)

DAY 38:

What does a real man look like? What’s his age? Does he have a wife? A mistress? What about kids? Where does his confidence come from? Has he ever paid for sex? Is he showing he loves her? Does he love her… or her? What’s a real man doing for living?

DAY 37:

I called myself today, by my name… in four different languages and in two dialects. It didn’t sound good in any of them. I felt sorry for those who meet me daily. Well, their names aren’t any better, either. So, all is fair, I guess. No, no, I’m not talking about depression or mid-life crisis here. I won’t call that feeling by any name. It’s not gonna sound good anyway.

DAY 36:

I had a profound vision this morning, while struggling to leave the bed. Dreams are of two types: the uncontrollable unconscious ones and the controllable conscious ones. The later we experience while being awake and what we see we call ‘reality.’ Thus, now I have my first certain fact: that feeling is a dream, just like the rain on the other side of the window.

Days 4-35

The last 32 days I traveled a lot and shaved twice. My beard is overgrown now. She says that besides the sprinkles of gray hair, I’ve also got three golden ones, reddish. I saw none, but I’ve seen a few in sunny days. That feeling must be a dream. I occasionally do remember some of my dreams.

Day 3:

That thing inside, it’s a lonesome one. I’d say jealous, too. Shows up only when no other feeling is around.

Why do I miss it?

Day 2:

Nothing… Not any visible trace of it, nor any reminder, except for the memories themselves. I’ll stay vigilant, though.

Day 1:

I felt it again… while looking at the rain going down my window. Tried to read the water marks on the glass, for a sign. Then I felt it no more.

What should I make of this?

Day 0:

Today I felt something strange. It was inside me. I looked carefully into the mirror for marks on my skin. I had two new red spots on my right shoulder. My wrinkles were the same...

I'll keep an eye on what I felt today.